Elizabeth Fox Butler, PsyD

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MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AS A HIGHLY SENSITIVE, INTROVERTED PARENT

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Welcome to the final post in this series about the early days of highly sensitive and introverted parents. I’ll write more in the future but want to include some posts for people without children and teens in the meantime.

In order to thrive with the SPS trait, you need to nurture your unique personality. Things will definitely look different than you presumed. Here’s an example from my baby’s first few months:

As an HSP who struggles with transitions, I have such a hard time switching gears that I decided to go to bed at the same time as my baby. Rather than help her fall asleep, hope she stayed asleep, start a new activity, then transition back to being with her multiple times to resettle her, I could just relax knowing I was settled for the next few hours. This decision means that I eat an unnaturally early dinner and miss out on many “Mom’s Night Out” activities and interesting social opportunities. But I also sleep better and enjoyed the early relaxation I feel during the bedtime process. It took a while for me to adjust, but I would so much rather have enough rest than push myself to engage with other people in a zombie-like state. My approach would not work for everyone, but it makes my waking hours so much more pleasant.

Here are some other general ideas that helped me adjust to those intense days of early parenthood:

  • Allow yourself as much time as possible to process changes. Whenever possible, plan extra time to move from one activity to the next.
  • Give yourself permission to feel “not ok.” People who don’t currently have young children either don’t know at all or forgot about the challenging parts; They unknowingly pressure new parents to express pure joy or “enjoy every moment.” Even the happiest parents do not feel great 100% of the time. We are human, after all. If you expect yourself to feel happy 24/7, you will frequently feel let down.
  • In her book “Becoming Mum,” Dr. Koa Whittingham uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help new moms manage difficult times. I highly recommend learning more about and using ACT to:
    • Define your personal values
    • Change your relationship to unpleasant thoughts/feelings/sensations
    • Live your life according to your most important desires.
  • Find a few short, easy-to-remember sayings to repeat to yourself in stressful times. Pair with a physical cue, such as placing your hand on your heart, and you develop a crisis-attenuating self-care regimen. Make sure it really resonates with you or it won’t work. My favorites include:
    • “Right now, it’s like this.”
    • “Perfection is the enemy of the good.”
    • “I love you. Keep going.”
    • “Everything will work out.”
    • “This is only a ‘blip on the radar,’ one tiny moment in my entire life.”

Adults who don’t understand SPS often tell HSP’s something is wrong with them from the very early stages of life. Caregivers perceive us as “difficult” children at times, due to our highly responsive nature. As you learn more about the trait and meet others in your shoes, you’ll realize just how many other adults and children you actually understand and vice versa. Once you identify as HSP, you can embrace the abundant gifts and lovely aspects the trait provides. And remember that because SPS is a genetic trait, your child is likely to be HSP as well, which means their chance of inheriting the trait will be greater than the general 15-20% of humans.

Luckily many resources now exist for highly sensitive parents and highly sensitive children. Put your feelers out there and dive into this info! Try an audiobook or podcast if sitting down to read doesn’t work with your baby’s nap schedule (or lack thereof).

Cultural stigma toward sensitive individuals contributes to adult stress when a baby doesn’t “fit in” to general statistics or recommendations. Remember: Mainstream advice is based on averages and only for the non-HSP’s who make up 80-85% of the general population. Even then, this advice usually tries to unreasonably control or predict baby behavior. If you ever tried to control your baby, you probably rapidly discovered the futility of these efforts. Don’t be afraid to question authority and discover your family’s unique needs. You spend more time with your baby than anyone else, day and night. You are your own expert!

Avoid joining other parents in a culture of commiseration. Sharing experiences with an understanding group of peers can be so healing, but beware a sense of, “You’re miserable? Great! Me, too.” Do you feel better after hearing that others are terribly unhappy? Probably not. According to Abigail Wong and Elle Kwan of the Hand in Hand Parenting Podcast, joining in each others’ misery actually detracts from daily presence with your child and tampers with joy. Find your village, be open and honest while you share, and ask about the positives, too.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Babies’ lessons are so pertinent to the HSP experience. You could say adult HSP’s are similar to babies because both groups are intensely responsive, experience strong emotions, benefit from rhythmic routines, need extra downtime, and require a different lifestyle to thrive. The undeniable requirements of slowing down, redefining our identities as the extra sensitive and introverted minority of parents, and the gift of watching a baby’s development encourage tremendous growth.

WANT MORE?

I use ACT, existential inquiry, and a variety of mindfulness- and compassion-based therapies to help new families with postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, highly sensitive people, and LGBTQ+ community members. I also offer attachment-science-informed infant and toddler wellness consultations with a specialty in babies under 9 months old. For California residents seeking more information, learn more on my website at https://www.pleasantonpsychologist.com. Elizabeth Fox Butler, PsyD holds the copyright to this document (2019).

If you’re still not sure whether you or your child have the SPS trait, you can take Elaine Aron, Ph.D.’s evidence-based self-tests on her website, https://hsperson.com/test/. Please let me know if you have specific requests regarding future blog topics.

Filed Under: highly sensitive person, Introvert, Mindfulness, Psychologist, quiet influence, quiet strength, Self Awareness, sensory processing sensitivity, Thoughts, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING: THE SLOW BURN OF POSTPARTUM DISORDERS

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Well-meaning loved ones try to protect soon-to-be-parents by not sharing the extreme nature of the changes ahead. Most of us remain in the dark until we are in the thick of it. Having a new baby requires a daunting and uncomfortable amount of expectation management, in addition to a complete overhaul of your pre-baby lifestyle. As an educated mental health professional with a background in child development, even most of my expectations were SO wrong! I love Dr. Elaine Aron’s assertion that with every change – whether positive, negative, or neutral – comes a loss, and every loss must be grieved. Grieve your limitations, your anticipations, the information and answers you wish you had, the mistakes you inevitably continue to make, the level of freedom you had before, the fact that your baby no longer fits into their newborn clothes, and the downtime you no longer have. Even in the best of circumstances, new parents experience endless unrecognized losses. It’s absolutely necessary to acknowledge, grieve, and honor the changes.

Many different causes contribute to postpartum mood and anxiety disorders; One large contributor can be the shock and inability to change course that comes with adjusting (or not adjusting) to a new baby.

This quote by Toko-pa Turner emulates the difficulty of understanding legacies and stories in our modern society, which leads to unrealistic expectations and painful reality checks:

“Too much is said about triumph, about the overcoming and rising up like a phoenix from heroic flames. What about the longest part of the story where you’re being cooked by the fire and, while the things you love are being burned down to ashes, you are all the way left behind by the world.

In the old way, you would have heard about what makes a journey an odyssey from your elders. You’d know that you come from a long line of survivors…

And eventually you’d come to know these stories by heart because they’d wriggle down into your bones and take life in the landscape around you — in the valleys and the lakes, and the mountains.

And when your time comes, as it does for all of us – to be cooked – you’d know that you aren’t the first chosen by the fire and it will hurt for as long as it takes, and the only way through is with your heroics humbled.

They say that after you lose something previous, the earth absorbs your grief and then, moist with suffering, new things begin to grown in your people’s likeness.”

We don’t live in a society in which our ancestors teach us. Most of us don’t have that village at the ready. We feel like we’re burning for a very long time in the drastically different early months and years of parenthood. It often and truly seems like the difficult times will never end.  For most, inevitably it has to. As children grow, we morph in our own ways again and again.

By letting go of your pre-baby expectations and facing what is, moment-to-moment, you give yourself permission to grow and adapt. If your baby won’t nap according to that age-specific chart you saw in an “expert’s” book, let go of a stranger’s assumptions about your child’s biological rhythms. When it takes you 40 extra minutes to get ready for a trip to the park, don’t fight it; Pay attention to the parade of latecomers to any children’s activity and quickly realize you’re not alone. When the people around you complain because they can’t remember what it was like to succumb to a baby’s schedule, try not to force it and instead honor your and your child’s needs.

Through the struggle and the extensive transition period, beautiful parts of you develop. You may not know what they are for a very long time, but the most transformative construction projects require a slow process, often beginning with complete demolition. Your mind and body will feel chaotic for quite a while, but if you allow it, most people discover tremendous personal growth when they finally integrate parenting into their many personal roles.

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PRACTICAL STRESS MANAGEMENT FOR HIGHLY SENSITIVE, INTROVERTED PARENTS

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STRATEGIES

Dr. Elaine Aron, the initial SPS researcher and person who named the trait, wisely suggests that we need to take SPS very seriously. If you think you have SPS, acknowledge the trait, check out the basic research, and share resources and techniques with your loved ones. Make and ask for accommodations wherever possible. Spend time with other HSP parents and prioritize relationships with people who understand and validate you, whether they are HSP or not. Find someone with whom you can truly and wholly speak, whether a good friend or a professional listener and healer.

Pay Attention to Your Energy

When planning activities, think of your energy levels throughout the day. Similar to Spoon Theory, Julie Bjelland, MFT — an expert and author of multiple books regarding the SPS trait — suggests: Envision water and imagine your energy as a limited resource, a cup full of water. You wake up with a full glass of “energy.” Each activity empties a certain amount out of your cup. If you bombard yourself with stimulation and chaos early in the day, your glass will be empty early and remain depleted until you have time to rest. Look ahead at your schedule and space outings and social events as evenly as possible. Work enough that you are fulfilled but you also have energy left for yourself and your family when you arrive home. Build in transition time between activities so your mind can catch up with your lifestyle.

Try Mindfulness

Despite the fact that mindfulness is a current trend, it has been and always will be important! To practice mindfulness, slow your day down. Pay close attention to details, such as the vivid colors of plants, soothing music or the sound of the rain, or unique designs on houses. Try to remain present and allow your thoughts to exist without acting on them. When you’re busy parenting a newborn, Julie Bjelland, MFT also says brushing your teeth actually feels like a break if you give yourself permission to momentarily let go of other obligations. 

Build mindfulness into your busy daily routine. For example, learn deep breathing and take 3 belly breathes every time you change your child’s diaper or listen to a meditation during a regular evening breastfeeding session every night.

 Magda Gerber’s RIE approach and Janet Lansbury’s Respectful Parenting both recommend “Sportscasting,” which works equally well for adults and babies; Talk through your small actions out loud or to yourself in a ridiculous-seeming amount of detail. An example from my morning: “I’m opening the dishwasher. I’m taking out the glass bowls – one, two, three, four – and putting them into the wooden cupboards…” My baby loves the attention and information and it helps me weed out the background noise a bit. At first you might feel silly but it eventually becomes second nature. Children pick up a surprising amount when you share your daily activities with them and they might even want to help! You also model mindfulness for them when you practice connecting with moment-to-moment happenings.

Practice mindfulness while interacting with your child(ren). Set a reminder on your phone or a digital clock to go off at a regular interval to cue a personal check-in. Listen to guided scripts on the Insight Timer App; I recommend “Meditation for Mothers” by Fleur Chambers and “Parents Relaxation Meditation” by Simon Hilton. Additionally, Rachel Yellin’s “Yes to Birth!” program includes guided exercises to focus your attention during feeding sessions and much more. The Shine app has several meditations and inspirational talks for stressed out parents who want to reconnect with the present world. Katie Madden, IBCLC, from Balanced Breastfeeding has a wonderful guided audio script for memorizing your baby’s finer details. Spend a few minutes noticing the tiny ways your baby changed this week. Is their hair a bit longer? Did their eyes change color? Do they babble a few new syllables?

 Find Comfort in Predictability

Create a predictable routine for yourself and your baby. If you don’t already have one, your baby will motivate you to find a routine. A day with a baby on engaging in regular activities, which is NOT the same idea as a strict schedule, is an easier day for everyone. It contains overwhelming emotions and reduces finite energy spent on various choices.

It’s All About the Little Things

Before having a baby, many new parents dreamt of a “quick trip away” after they “got into the groove of things.” Most people discover this either isn’t realistic or they just don’t want to leave for that long. It can be daunting to imagine even a few hours away from baby, let alone a weekend getaway! Start as small as possible and take sensory micro-breaks.

  • What pleasurable activities or objects can you see, touch, smell, hear, or taste? Burn a yummy-smelling candle and stop to watch the flame flicker for 1 minute. The Possums Project suggests enjoying a warm comforting beverage on your front steps while a trusted friend, family member, or caregiver watches for your baby for 10 minutes.
  • Take care of your body with small, quick exercises. Roll your neck 5 times or spend 1 minute in a relaxing yoga post, such as child’s pose.
  • Utilize Rick Hanson’s idea to “Take in The Good:” Focus on a positive feeling without changing gears for at least 30 seconds before moving on.
  • Put your phone down intentionally. Even if it’s entertaining, smart phones overstimulate a tired body and send our brains into distraction mode. Take a break from comparing yourself to the unrealistic Pinterest-perfect family photos online and social media FOMO.

Please feel free to share additional coping skills you’ve found. Let’s lift each other up by getting as many ideas out there to support our highly sensitive and introverted parenting community.

Next week we will talk about expectation management, reality vs. societal messages, and more.

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RECOGNIZING THE GIFTS OF HIGHLY SENSITIVE, INTROVERTED PARENTING

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It’s easy to focus on the negative, given our built-in evolutionary tendency to avoid danger. However, amidst the distress we lose sight of the gifts inherent in the SPS and introversion traits. In the early months, when your world still feels upside down, it’s important to look at the bigger picture. Below I review a few of the positive aspects of each SPS component. These benefits manifest especially when HSP’s and introverted people find ways to meet their own needs, along with adequate social support.

D: Deeper processing leads to creative solutions, strong intuition, and a fine-tuned ability to recognize patterns. You might find it easier to think of fun play activities and/or problem-solve some of your child’s difficulties together. When competing family occur, you’ll tend to come up with innovative, considerate solutions. It will take some extra time but if you allow yourself the opportunity you will see that your depth serves you in relationship with others and yourself. For example, you may discover a tiny detail that makes all the difference for your and your baby’s sleep quality that would otherwise go unnoticed.

O: Unfortunately we haven’t discovered the upside to overstimulation yet. However, becoming mindful of overstimulation is a sign from your mind and body to slow down and reset. Determining your own overstimulation and understanding how unpleasant it feels will help you attune to your child’s stimulation needs. You can notice when your child needs a break and learn to provide it in a variety of situations. Your own history with overstimulation – and hopefully validating yourself and taking needed breaks – provides you with a backup plan and pre-selected hideouts for sensory breaks. Your child will thank you someday for teaching them that it’s ok to take a pause! See “S” for the upside of noticing sensory subtleties.

E: Through the ability to perceive and feel others’ emotions, HSP’s understand others’ needs, attune to loved ones’ feelings, and form deep interpersonal connections. They also derive greater pleasure from expressive and abstract experiences, such as listening to a favorite musician or admiring art. Empathy goes a long way when your baby tries to tell you something important through incomprehensible cries and early speech. When your toddler tests limits (and your patience), you might recognize the underlying cry for help and provide support rather than punishment. An empowered highly sensitive person knows how to read between the lines and will veer away from the idea that your child is “manipulating you;” It is reassuring to know that empathy and perspective-taking aid parent-child communication. Understanding strong emotions helps you validate your child, teaching them a very important skill and openly demonstrating your love.

S: The upside of sensitivity to subtleties entails attention to detail and extra consideration for others’ comfort. HSP’s see meaning in the ostensibly mundane and easily benefit from sensory grounding techniques. They quickly notice the positive impact of sensory pleasures, such as cuddling up in a soft blanket or smelling a lovely scent. You will notice your baby’s subtler cues, facial expression, words, and more, and therefore can be a very responsive parent. You can point out the little things when interacting with your child, teaching them to attend to details and take in important information. You will be able to share delight in small details, which most children inherently enjoy. While it’s likely not the most enticing way to spend the Friday evening, noticing subtle differences between different kinds of rocks can be an important educational moment for your little one!

While highly sensitive people only make up 15-20% of the population, 70% of HSP’s also identify as introverts. Similar to showing your child the importance of breaks, introverted parents better understand their child’s needs for alone time, whether that child is introverted or not.

A child’s self-acceptance starts at home through acceptance from primary caregivers. When you work through your own shame and stigma regarding sensitivity and/or introversion, you give your child a special gift. They learn to love themselves wholly, whether society supports their individual personality or your child has traits that don’t jive as well with mainstream approaches. Acknowledging and embracing your own differences models an invaluable life lesson.

Next week we will talk about practical strategies for managing the challenging aspects of sensory processing sensitivity and introversion. Please let me know of any other relevant topics you’d like me to cover in the future.

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HELLO WORLD!

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Welcome to my blog! I’m so glad you’re here.

If you’re not sure whether you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) or an introvert, visit this page for a list of key attributes that define each personality type.

My Goals for the Blog

  • raising awareness for highly sensitive persons and introverts
  • teaching coping techniques for managing anxiety, physical energy levels, and illness
  • advocating for human rights, especially in the LGBQ+ and trans* communities
  • improving public knowledge of mental health struggles and the practical ways ALL of our lives are affected by suffering

Healthy Skepticism

Keep in mind I do my best to reference the sources where I find my information. However, I learned these concepts and philosophies over many years. A lot of what I say is actually my opinion. At the same time, most of the ideas (as is true with most blogs) originated elsewhere. Throughout the blog, I’ll refer to stories from a variety of ancient religions, cultural practices, my experiences, academic literature, other professional healers, and self-help resources.

I Value Your Input

I openly invite you to comment and express questions or concerns anytime, critical or otherwise.

Happy Reading. Let’s Connect.

Enjoy the blog! I’m always happy to hear from you, so please don’t hesitate to reach out. You can:

  • send me a secure message me using the form on this page
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If You Need Help NOW…

Keep in mind that this is only an informational/educational blog. It is NOT a substitute for adequate mental health treatment by a designated professional. If you are in crisis, pick up the phone and immediately dial 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency room.

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